A flawed me, A flawed us, A flawed world

In dictionary, flawed is described as a person having weakness in character.

 Then as per this definition, we all are flawed...isn't? what I fail to understand here is what a weak character actually is …a person who is undergoing an emotional turmoil..would he be casted as weak? A person who wears his heart on his sleeves and gives himself to someone quickly..is he weak? oh no no..a heart broken individual who just cannot cope up with anything in life..i am sure that person qualifies as being  weak !!

How weird we humans are…those eyes which god created to admire the most beautiful things judge people so quickly ..in just a blink. Just pause for a moment and give it a thought to why that girl with cakes of makeup and those clothes shouting for attention, why that guy is always hiding behind his computer screen and denies to go out to have fun, why ‘she’ is all so careless, carefree and doesn’t give a damn to anything in life…..too many “whys” which deserves all the “that’s why”.

Its so sad and disheartening a process to see when two individuals meet, share their lives, emotions  and bodies take a wrong road and starts to judge one another. How everything changes overnight and all the admiration turns into complaints , cynicism..and takes shape of strong apprehension. Then, both individuals pack up all their emotions, life events and broken pieces of heart in their respective boxes and move ahead in life. They, for sure moves on but what really happens to this heavy box …well, sometimes it never opens up again or sometimes it is made a little lighter by throwing a few stuff out ……does this change those individuals? Yes it does!!   Their journey ends with the road being forked in two…she turns left  and he does right by turning right…

We all learn and unlearn things. Sometimes to be a better person, sometimes to grow over the past, sometimes to fit in the crowd and sometimes just coz it’s the need of the hour. And this, in my view is nothing but growing in life …be it good or bad but it happens with all of us. The changes govern the change in us and eventually become our identity which we should never lose for anyone. Care to explain but never justify these changes to anyone in life because its your and only your road alone which has brought you to where you are today.

So you, my friend are not flawed….the eyes that see you and perceives you, the brain that judges you and misinterprets your words….sadly they are flawed and highly imperfect.

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” 
― Oscar Wilde

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oh BOMBAY !!

It was 15^th June 2011 when I had stepped in this city…this city which people very conveniently calls “The city of dreams”, as if all other cities are “city of disaster”…Like if someone is migrating to any other city then definitely there must be some dream..be it a dream of an old man to get cured of his deadly disease, be it a dream of young man to earn the livelihood for his ailing family, be it dream of a girl to make big in the glamour world….A dream is nothing but a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal. I started my journey with a dream too…dream to be a better human being…an independent person capable of making her life decent enough so that she can get over her dad’s endless taunts!! I have never been too optimistic in life so I began my journey with a null hypothesis, hoping to prove it wrong.

The very next day of my entering into the city, my parents left for Jaipur and I was all alone…for the very first time in 21 years and gosh it was damn too scary, haunting and made me way too restless. I had never imagined I would feel so empty and weak….this is what this city did to me. Damn this city!!

I didn’t realize when those 2 years of MBA got over. Those 2 years which were an amalgamation of late night assignments, late night parties, early morning classes, early morning trips to marine drive and all the beaches , placement pressure, class bunks, mass bunks, overdose of various emotions …just too much of everything….these 2 years were loaded, completely loaded and it completely changed me…..for good and for bad. BOTH. For good, because I learnt to take care of myself..I guess I took care of everything pretty well and became something which was never expected from me at least. The word is RESPONSIBLE! From a total spendthrift to an economical person….I was changed and I liked this change. From a girl who took everything on heart to a girl who learnt to give in and let go….coz letting go was important else she would have broken completely..not that she was not. I did understand one thing very clearly on the very last day of MBA……I will meet good , bad, wonderful, super amazing people who will give me wonderfully awesome and disgustingly bad memories..but, one day they will all depart and my life will still go on, still move at the same pace or may be at a faster pace…I will never  get to see some faces ever..and so I should learn to accept goodbyes and value the last times because most of us think we have forever with us but no, that’s not the case…we think we have time!! 

Several mocks happened as it was the placement season and I performed miserably in some and even more pathetic in rest….I needed a decent job is all I knew. I felt competitive beyond limits..I saw people change overnight …just to get employed..i guess it was not just..I too was running behind a white collared job. Mornings comprised of several plans..plan to study, study and study more. I felt I too could not be left unaffected of this city’s madness…insanity to carve a niche for oneself….I wanted to leave  this city but wait..I didn’t want to leave this city…It had taken too much from me in these 2 years and it was time to get repaid!! It was November 6^th 2012, 11PM….my hands were all shaky as I signed my offer letter. Funny was the fact that I had sent a sms to all the near and dear ones even before my interview that I got in….coz I had to get in. This chapter closed too….and with a semi-govt job in hand I came home..all relaxed …this had to happen this ways..this had to close smoothly.

It was june 23^rd 2013, I returned to Mumbai for my second stint. This time the scene was all so different. We were corporates and we were expected to behave like one. So, calling a friend at 3 AM just to grab idli and boost was totally out of question…9 AM’s were now more important than 3 AM’s. Who the hell let us ADULT…we cant ADULT!! Phone calls reduced, random meeting plans changed into scheduled appointments, shopping now meant waiting for the salary day, ONLYs and MODAs filled the closet…things changed and who was I to even resist the change…my lifestyle started to change…how should I explain how it changed…like now, stress could be relieved by watching a movie, or may be going to the nearest mall to pick a top, or if it’s the odd hr of the day that made me feel all blue, then I had ebays and flipkarts. How funny life had become now…what I could solve over a long chat with a dear friend could now be solved by spending green paper. Sadly, I had no control over these changes. There I was trying to bring my professional life on track, here things on personal front went for a toss…..I struggled to manage it too…for long…for months…for just too long…I just couldn’t!! Letting go seemed a wise decision then and till date ...I don’t regret a thing…..saddest part, I moved on being in it.

All I had was office friends, office work, good roommates, a few decent hobbies and most importantly, most amazing set of parents who supported me through all the rough time. I just focused on good and tried to make things workout somehow….bdw, in no way am I trying to portray myself as a bechari abla naari who should be sympathized upon…everyone has their share of troubles and issues. Well, I am just sharing mine !! Anyway,  Indonesia happened…finally and thankfully….something good happened a…it was June 14^th when I had boarded my first international flight (Singapore Airlines A-380). Finally, I took a sigh of relief, not that I was too excited but yeah, atleast something was moving and people thought it was the most vibrantly positive thing that could happen in my life then. I lived, experienced, learned and rejoiced my stay for 1 full month……it was  a TCS paid vacation!!

August 13^th, I returned back and when I look back in time now….I guess, I have not had one single day since then that I have not faced any issue….homesickness, issues with roommates, lifeless personal life turning into rootless one…basically no scope to even nourish it. Time is just playing with me..from every possible direction and I am just too tired now…I am too tired to get up every single day to face new challenges…I am too tired to convince myself that this is just a phase and this too shall pass. I am facing the most dull, colorless, noiseless, friendless, xyz-less phase of my life and I am all too tired with everything. What should I attribute all these changes to? Mumbai? Myself? Time? Destiny? What? The more I run towards making this life stable, the more unstable it gets. I guess all these things led me to become a little too casual and ignorant about things in life…I no longer have the energy to fight with people or situations….things will take time to setlle but eventually they will settle and till then I will have to wait….patiently, in this city which everyone calls as Mumbai and I call as BOMBAY…my Bombay.

times, moments, wishes........TRUTH.....and finally THE RAIN

After humid and lethargic day

It finally rained and made everyone sway

I doubt if the man sitting high above have enough resources

Coz we, humans don’t miss even a single chance to deplete each and every sources

Gone are the days when monsoons signified clear sky

As now it only means wry, shy, lie and say goodbye

Tiring evenings and sweaty mornings

Gone are the days when lovers gifted each other stone studded rings

Now the same boring schedule, same frustrated mind

Switched on idiot boxes and bright colours making everyone blind

I wish for that day, when monsoon would bring along loud chirping

When everyone would open their free wings to fly high by breaking all the rings.

Oh rain why don’t you come often

Colourful petals and innocent souls have forgot to blossom

Next time when you come bring true lovers closer

As I don’t have any, do send someone who is not a miser

One who loves me with all his heart

Pure heart and seats for 2 in a lovely cart

Sitting on the roof beneath the dark blue sky makes me remember him

I wish we could at least share a rain brim

Rain dance and romantic sights…

I missed it all coz we were always indulged in fights

Oh rain send me my true love

Who will bring brightness just like the glow of a bulb

Send my wishes to him

Do reach him and bless him

CaGeD LiFe

Some things happen without a reason

And then we realize that its just a passing season

One after the other , life knocks you down

And everytime you try to get up without a frown

Slowly you start hiding things behind your smile

As you know that things wont change in a while

Gradually it becomes your habit

As happiness comes and goes like the walk of a rabit

Gaining a bit of strength , I sometimes ask this question

God, what mistake did I make that you caged me into this mantion

By mistake you give me some wonderful times

Coz rest of them tastes just like a raw lime

I am tired of this life

Give me the strength to hold a sharp knife

If I am bad then take away my breath

Coz there is hardly anything left

From insults to slaps

Life has given others soo many chances to clap

Want to run away from everyone

So that happiness could atleast be seen on the face of someone

Even tears refuse to roll down my cheeks

And people say that I am a gimmick

End is what I pray for now

I am really done with all the wows

4 days of happiness followed by real dark nights

I cant see the bright colors amidst these painful fights

If there is life post death

Then bestow me with that as you are running under huge debts

I am tired of giving fake smile

Inside me sorrows have made a huge pile

I am dead from within

Now even the outer shell is dull and left as a thin film

Please bring the end near

As now I have no FEAR.

The best I could narrate…….a mother’s feeling

I was 28 when my angel came to this mean world. More than anything else, I promised one thing to myself that she won’t suffer on a certain things which made life difficult for me. She was pure, innocent, a fresh flower whose fragrance was enchanting for everyone…….from little kids to old ones, everyone came to bless my shadow...they loved her , admired her…played with her…..but all this while I was worried about her…..and then I realised that these worries will never end as she will always be a little angel for me. Days passed by and she started recognising faces. Didn’t have video camera then…but I didn’t skip any moment..i have it all in my little personal diary. From the first time when she called me ‘maa’ to the time she was at her notorious best….i even wrote those moments when my eyes were filled with tears as mistakenly I had slapped her and later felt disgusted.  Months later , her first day in school….then her first dance award….her high grades, issues with friends, her all girlie problems………she shared it all. Here I got busy with my little stuff and there she entered in her late teens……now she was a big girl, she didn’t need me to clutch her hair…..in fact she didn’t like me touching her hair anymore. Now hours of cooking was left on the dinning table as my little princess made plans to eat out with her friends. Its her glory days, as I thought….she is enjoying and I am really happy…she is living those moments which I never got to live….. I am contended. More changes came….she talked less now..shared almost nothing…well , she had soo many friends to share her things with…. I am happy that soo many people care for her …..but at  sometimes it pains me like a needle’s prick because I am all alone now…. But then I think that I am acting selfish by expecting some precious moments from her hectic schedule…..a few years later  she comes up to me and tells me that she is in deep love and nothing matters to her more than that person. We respected her choice and agreed to what she wanted…after hours of standing outside the trial room for my angel to decide on her wedding clothes…..the day finally came. Today she is getting married…and I experience this terrible pain as if a part of my body is being sliced out…the blood is not stopping and is flowing out of my eyes….for all these years , while loving her, caressing her, I never realised that she’ll be gone one day. I am standing in this one corner and admiring my daughter….she is soo happy, her eyes glittering as bright as mine when I first saw her. Pain is pouring out from all my body and I have to make myself strong enough for the very last time….as I am sure , now I would not experience any stronger pain than this. The next morning …..she is gone…my angel just flew away….people come and tell me that I don’t remember anything now…I am getting too old but its not true……ask me anything about her and I remember everything. And i still remember her birth date, time, the date when she first called me, her first stage performance, her first fight with me….the first time she cried…….I tell this to everyone……..ask me anything about my life ..i still remember every part of it….my life ….my ANGEL.

FRIDAY the 13th

 It was indeed friday the 13th ....as i woke up after my 5 hrs of sleep, all i wanted and prayed for was that these 6 hrs vanish away quickly. Amongst those loose sheets( notes tht i had borrowed a day before ), i was feeling soo ruffled. Interrogating just one thing from myself over and over again " when will this phase end and I'll be back home to take some repose!!! Thoughts of fun , amusement and pleasure crossed my mind....and coming out of my dreams I made sure that my eyes are glued back to those black n white sheets.
With a feeble mind, I crossed the gate of a building which would soon become a PAST, a HISTORY!!! Just a thought of it filled me with soo much strength that come what may, i will battle it out....and it was just a matter of an EXAM , just a matter of 3 hrs ( for me just 2 hrs.....as I had no doubts over my credibility). I quickly went to the room to face the BATTLE of which I was sure tht even if i dont win...I ll chase my opponent till the final round ( In my case...till the last question). With all the optimism in my eyes , i went through the question paper.........and soon I witnessed a transition. As the DEVILS were busy wearing PRADA....they left no stone unturned to make us F.R.A.D.A ( filled wid Rust, Anguish, Devastation and Anger). I left everything to GOD now...and started dealing with my enemies for as long as I could. 2.5 hrs passed (I was 30 mins late ) and by now I was bleeding from every part ..... but I soon recovered and marched out of the battle ground. Survivors from my group could be seen sweating, blabbering about the strong enemies. By then I had lost all strength to participate and found myself lying at one corner of the stairs.
Some more victims came out.......and soon we turned out to be a united group , all crying for the same wound!!
Now I thought of moving on...as we moved out ....SHIT.....amidst those creepy warriors and unsailed boats we forgot the most important thing " THIS WAS OUR LAST BATTLE ON THIS BATTLE GROUND, WID THIS TROOP" , this was our "LAST DAY IN COLLEGE". 1095 days had passed....I wont say tht I didnt realise as to how the time faded but it would happen soo early made me all gloomy. This is going to be the last time when I ll be waving off to a few  faces, seeing them smile, watch them talk. This is going to be the last time when I ll be cursing those security guards for not letting me step out.  My heart started to bleed again.....this time the wounds were severly acute and reflected in my eyes. All I could think off was that I wont be sitting in those vacant classrooms with those vibrant souls......discussing about those censored topics. I wish I had chosen to do engineering, as then I could have had another 365 days of insane fun. ;'(
Though we have promised to stay in touch all through our lives (literally all through our lives) but I fear that what if someone breaks the promise , as promises are meant to broken !!!!!!!!
This is what FRIDAY THE 13th had in cards  for US!!
But all I can say to all my friends is........
The world we knew was full of high - fives,
Needless to say, those were the best days of our lives
I will miss you all A LOT.......and I will always cherish the times we fought and loved each other even more.
As we go on
we remember
all the times we
had together
and as our lives change
come whatever
we will still be
FRIENDS FOREVER


PS:- HANSTE HANSTE KAT JAYE RASTE...ZINDAGI YUHI CHALTI RAHE...KHUSHI MILE YA GHAM BADLENGE NAA HUM....DUNIYA CHAHE BADALTI  RAHE

I miss a BROTHER....sometimes

I am a strong soul and can do anything and everything wat a boy can do but still i wish i had i brother who would have been there to help my mother in picking up those heavy sacks.
 I am not a sports person but i wish i had a brother with whom i could have played badminton, carom or say cricket (if he wanted me to play tht )
 I am bold enough to handle those road side romeos but i wish i had a brother who could have created an action scene...:p i luv drama.
 I enjoy my independence but i wish i had a brother who would have made my life miserable :)
 I enjoy riding my aviator but i wish i had a brother who would have gave me bike rides.
 I think i have good sense of humour and can make ppl laugh but i still wish i had a brother who would have made me laugh.
I have wonderful parents who are not gender biased and treats me like a boy but i wish i had a brother so that they would have treated me like a girl.

 Life is Gud bt i wish i had a brother so tht my life would have been jus PERFECT.