I don't know what to name it !!

I am strongly of this view that each experience makes you a better person and a better writer ;) Thank you everyone who helped (knowingly or unknowingly) in my making.... by the way, the evolution will continue forever. .. So enjoy all the lows and get up each time life throws u down....just one more time...each time :)

Today, life seem to be beautiful
Tomorrow, a few events make u think of it as sinful
Today, all my wishes are granted
Tomorrow, i see as if only pains and issues are planted
With each passing day, i keep falling down
This beautiful smile turning into an ugly frown
A day comes when i cannot get up nomore (two negatives doesn't make a positive in English and this is correct :D)
Silent soldier whispers...please get up once more
All you need to do is raise your hand
Life will bend to pull you up and mend all the broken ends
Each time you get up, get up with a bigger smile
Pushing back the pains and sorrows and showing them their last mile
Enjoy shots of tequila with all those lemons
Relish the sweet mocktail when life suprises you with melons
Enjoy this era. Enjoy this age.
Life, my friend, is a circus in which you're not in a cage
Keep the keepers
Smile and say a bye to the life shakers

Namaskara Bengaluru !!

Away from Bombay after so long…came here for work which was basically a 2 week long engagement but extended a little (It always happens that way in the company I work for….either things get extended or get cancelled). Never mind, I came here with an open mindset to not judge this city and people way too soon, so that perception would be built in my next trip coz this is way too less a time to do that.
There is a lot of work here….10-11 hrs. everyday which I feel is good coz my brain has signaled me not to give it free time else it would get into destructive mode. It’ll signal my heart to weep and when that starts, I become dysfunctional and I am clearly not in a mood to do any of that. My company has provided accommodation in an average hotel with a decent coffee shop where people sit till late and do some serious kinda stuff in their laptops. This kind of ambience is my favorite where there is comfortable silence around along with a lot of peace. The place I am staying at belongs to TATA group but its not TAJ so basically complementary buffet is also not something I can look forward to…the same white perfect circles served every day. Today I tried some dish which was cooked in coconut oil…since I can’t possibly disinfect my mouth with a sanitizer…I was left with no option but to have alcohol. Again.
Too much cribbing already I guess but then I haven’t created a perception yet!! Ok, so if I talk about this city till now, it’s been really nice and people here are a little offbeat but way too kind except a few north Indian migrants who, I believe, pollute the air wherever they go….like I’m doing right now…how much unthankful I am to my mom for making me a north Indian.. Goan or Kashmiri or chinky (No Offense intended) would have been so good. Goan coz then I would have valued deserts, Kashmiri coz then I would have valued freedom and chinky because I find them really cute and I adore their silky straight hair ☺
This city is flooded with some amazingly beautiful weekend getaways like Pondicherry, Ooty, Coorg, Wayanad, etc…..you know the first 3 places I mentioned have a separate place in my heart..each associated with an unfulfilled wish and a failed plan! Guess this time also, I won’t be getting a chance to visit either. My weekends are spent at my cousin’s place basically coz I get home cooked food there apart from free laundry service, some free advice, and a lot of good sleep. I have a niece who is some 8 years young and she is into charity too. She bestows an emotional miser like me with some free hugs, kisses, some really awesome games to play with and all her time ☺ Initially had planned to travel over the weekends and explore some above mentioned spots but dropped all such plans as Pondi would not turn into Bondi even after 2-3 yrs. but my sweet irritating niece would grow past this phase and would soon enter into her teens. Fact is that teenage is a difficult phase, not for them but for ppl around…..I was one such teen! One suddenly starts to feel the smartest, most talented, most logical and very mature. Truth is one turns out to be extremely foolish, arrogant, illogical…bursting with adrenaline all the time and a loser not to confidently accept all the wonderful changes that take place in his/her body.  But we all have gone through that phase and some of the most wonderful memories belong to that era! We loved without conditions and fought without reasons. Today we love with a clause and forgive by punishing. Anyway…I am running out of words and my coffee has gone all too sweet and concentrated as it is touching the base of the cup now.  The plan is to go back to my room, eat some egg biryani, get soaked into music and bid adieu to the day I am never gonna look back to ☺ 

They say: But you like Bombay ….Right?

“Oh common Neha. It’s been almost 5 years now that you have been residing in this city. This city which is the source of your bread and butter, this city which has changed you in and out, this city which has fulfilled many of your dreams and paved the way for you to dream bigger…..I am sure you love this city….right??” And every time I come across this question, I think to myself that does this city deserves so much of appreciation and applause!! If it wouldn’t have been Bombay, I am sure it would have been some other city and I am also sure that in that city too, I would have carved a niche for myself.

They know about my achievements and positives but do they even know about all those hardships and rough and blunt falls that I faced….no one but I handled and walked through them …ALONE…just like anybody else would do if exposed to those situations …so yes, the situations were geography confined but reactions were mine.

I was born in a city that is still developing , is not home for many MNCs, not many puppets reside here, and may be ..Just may be people here are running with little less speed and are little more #happy.

I am in love with that land which lets me be , allows me to aim high and even gives me chances to achieve my goals, doesn’t judge me , doesn’t demean my gender….a land where I need to bother less about the time and more about my moods, a land where there is very little time for miniscule things like pretense , where friends become your family and meeting your family becomes a dream…a golden dream, a land where you experience life in a whole new fashion…you fall and you get up with no support…where you develop your opinions which I believe you deny to change for anyone, where each day is an accomplishment and where there is immense amount of calm water to wash away all your troubles and pains. YES, I am in love with a land like this. YES, I am in love with such people. And YES, I am in love with this thinking. You call it what? BOMBAY?? I call it a small portion of this huge beautiful planet and I am sure there are many more such areas and I wish to explore all of those…. you can name it whatever !

A flawed me, A flawed us, A flawed world

In dictionary, flawed is described as a person having weakness in character.

 Then as per this definition, we all are flawed...isn't? what I fail to understand here is what a weak character actually is …a person who is undergoing an emotional turmoil..would he be casted as weak? A person who wears his heart on his sleeves and gives himself to someone quickly..is he weak? oh no no..a heart broken individual who just cannot cope up with anything in life..i am sure that person qualifies as being  weak !!

How weird we humans are…those eyes which god created to admire the most beautiful things judge people so quickly ..in just a blink. Just pause for a moment and give it a thought to why that girl with cakes of makeup and those clothes shouting for attention, why that guy is always hiding behind his computer screen and denies to go out to have fun, why ‘she’ is all so careless, carefree and doesn’t give a damn to anything in life…..too many “whys” which deserves all the “that’s why”.

Its so sad and disheartening a process to see when two individuals meet, share their lives, emotions  and bodies take a wrong road and starts to judge one another. How everything changes overnight and all the admiration turns into complaints , cynicism..and takes shape of strong apprehension. Then, both individuals pack up all their emotions, life events and broken pieces of heart in their respective boxes and move ahead in life. They, for sure moves on but what really happens to this heavy box …well, sometimes it never opens up again or sometimes it is made a little lighter by throwing a few stuff out ……does this change those individuals? Yes it does!!   Their journey ends with the road being forked in two…she turns left  and he does right by turning right…

We all learn and unlearn things. Sometimes to be a better person, sometimes to grow over the past, sometimes to fit in the crowd and sometimes just coz it’s the need of the hour. And this, in my view is nothing but growing in life …be it good or bad but it happens with all of us. The changes govern the change in us and eventually become our identity which we should never lose for anyone. Care to explain but never justify these changes to anyone in life because its your and only your road alone which has brought you to where you are today.

So you, my friend are not flawed….the eyes that see you and perceives you, the brain that judges you and misinterprets your words….sadly they are flawed and highly imperfect.

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” 
― Oscar Wilde

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oh BOMBAY !!

It was 15^th June 2011 when I had stepped in this city…this city which people very conveniently calls “The city of dreams”, as if all other cities are “city of disaster”…Like if someone is migrating to any other city then definitely there must be some dream..be it a dream of an old man to get cured of his deadly disease, be it a dream of young man to earn the livelihood for his ailing family, be it dream of a girl to make big in the glamour world….A dream is nothing but a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal. I started my journey with a dream too…dream to be a better human being…an independent person capable of making her life decent enough so that she can get over her dad’s endless taunts!! I have never been too optimistic in life so I began my journey with a null hypothesis, hoping to prove it wrong.

The very next day of my entering into the city, my parents left for Jaipur and I was all alone…for the very first time in 21 years and gosh it was damn too scary, haunting and made me way too restless. I had never imagined I would feel so empty and weak….this is what this city did to me. Damn this city!!

I didn’t realize when those 2 years of MBA got over. Those 2 years which were an amalgamation of late night assignments, late night parties, early morning classes, early morning trips to marine drive and all the beaches , placement pressure, class bunks, mass bunks, overdose of various emotions …just too much of everything….these 2 years were loaded, completely loaded and it completely changed me…..for good and for bad. BOTH. For good, because I learnt to take care of myself..I guess I took care of everything pretty well and became something which was never expected from me at least. The word is RESPONSIBLE! From a total spendthrift to an economical person….I was changed and I liked this change. From a girl who took everything on heart to a girl who learnt to give in and let go….coz letting go was important else she would have broken completely..not that she was not. I did understand one thing very clearly on the very last day of MBA……I will meet good , bad, wonderful, super amazing people who will give me wonderfully awesome and disgustingly bad memories..but, one day they will all depart and my life will still go on, still move at the same pace or may be at a faster pace…I will never  get to see some faces ever..and so I should learn to accept goodbyes and value the last times because most of us think we have forever with us but no, that’s not the case…we think we have time!! 

Several mocks happened as it was the placement season and I performed miserably in some and even more pathetic in rest….I needed a decent job is all I knew. I felt competitive beyond limits..I saw people change overnight …just to get employed..i guess it was not just..I too was running behind a white collared job. Mornings comprised of several plans..plan to study, study and study more. I felt I too could not be left unaffected of this city’s madness…insanity to carve a niche for oneself….I wanted to leave  this city but wait..I didn’t want to leave this city…It had taken too much from me in these 2 years and it was time to get repaid!! It was November 6^th 2012, 11PM….my hands were all shaky as I signed my offer letter. Funny was the fact that I had sent a sms to all the near and dear ones even before my interview that I got in….coz I had to get in. This chapter closed too….and with a semi-govt job in hand I came home..all relaxed …this had to happen this ways..this had to close smoothly.

It was june 23^rd 2013, I returned to Mumbai for my second stint. This time the scene was all so different. We were corporates and we were expected to behave like one. So, calling a friend at 3 AM just to grab idli and boost was totally out of question…9 AM’s were now more important than 3 AM’s. Who the hell let us ADULT…we cant ADULT!! Phone calls reduced, random meeting plans changed into scheduled appointments, shopping now meant waiting for the salary day, ONLYs and MODAs filled the closet…things changed and who was I to even resist the change…my lifestyle started to change…how should I explain how it changed…like now, stress could be relieved by watching a movie, or may be going to the nearest mall to pick a top, or if it’s the odd hr of the day that made me feel all blue, then I had ebays and flipkarts. How funny life had become now…what I could solve over a long chat with a dear friend could now be solved by spending green paper. Sadly, I had no control over these changes. There I was trying to bring my professional life on track, here things on personal front went for a toss…..I struggled to manage it too…for long…for months…for just too long…I just couldn’t!! Letting go seemed a wise decision then and till date ...I don’t regret a thing…..saddest part, I moved on being in it.

All I had was office friends, office work, good roommates, a few decent hobbies and most importantly, most amazing set of parents who supported me through all the rough time. I just focused on good and tried to make things workout somehow….bdw, in no way am I trying to portray myself as a bechari abla naari who should be sympathized upon…everyone has their share of troubles and issues. Well, I am just sharing mine !! Anyway,  Indonesia happened…finally and thankfully….something good happened a…it was June 14^th when I had boarded my first international flight (Singapore Airlines A-380). Finally, I took a sigh of relief, not that I was too excited but yeah, atleast something was moving and people thought it was the most vibrantly positive thing that could happen in my life then. I lived, experienced, learned and rejoiced my stay for 1 full month……it was  a TCS paid vacation!!

August 13^th, I returned back and when I look back in time now….I guess, I have not had one single day since then that I have not faced any issue….homesickness, issues with roommates, lifeless personal life turning into rootless one…basically no scope to even nourish it. Time is just playing with me..from every possible direction and I am just too tired now…I am too tired to get up every single day to face new challenges…I am too tired to convince myself that this is just a phase and this too shall pass. I am facing the most dull, colorless, noiseless, friendless, xyz-less phase of my life and I am all too tired with everything. What should I attribute all these changes to? Mumbai? Myself? Time? Destiny? What? The more I run towards making this life stable, the more unstable it gets. I guess all these things led me to become a little too casual and ignorant about things in life…I no longer have the energy to fight with people or situations….things will take time to setlle but eventually they will settle and till then I will have to wait….patiently, in this city which everyone calls as Mumbai and I call as BOMBAY…my Bombay.

times, moments, wishes........TRUTH.....and finally THE RAIN

After humid and lethargic day

It finally rained and made everyone sway

I doubt if the man sitting high above have enough resources

Coz we, humans don’t miss even a single chance to deplete each and every sources

Gone are the days when monsoons signified clear sky

As now it only means wry, shy, lie and say goodbye

Tiring evenings and sweaty mornings

Gone are the days when lovers gifted each other stone studded rings

Now the same boring schedule, same frustrated mind

Switched on idiot boxes and bright colours making everyone blind

I wish for that day, when monsoon would bring along loud chirping

When everyone would open their free wings to fly high by breaking all the rings.

Oh rain why don’t you come often

Colourful petals and innocent souls have forgot to blossom

Next time when you come bring true lovers closer

As I don’t have any, do send someone who is not a miser

One who loves me with all his heart

Pure heart and seats for 2 in a lovely cart

Sitting on the roof beneath the dark blue sky makes me remember him

I wish we could at least share a rain brim

Rain dance and romantic sights…

I missed it all coz we were always indulged in fights

Oh rain send me my true love

Who will bring brightness just like the glow of a bulb

Send my wishes to him

Do reach him and bless him

CaGeD LiFe

Some things happen without a reason

And then we realize that its just a passing season

One after the other , life knocks you down

And everytime you try to get up without a frown

Slowly you start hiding things behind your smile

As you know that things wont change in a while

Gradually it becomes your habit

As happiness comes and goes like the walk of a rabit

Gaining a bit of strength , I sometimes ask this question

God, what mistake did I make that you caged me into this mantion

By mistake you give me some wonderful times

Coz rest of them tastes just like a raw lime

I am tired of this life

Give me the strength to hold a sharp knife

If I am bad then take away my breath

Coz there is hardly anything left

From insults to slaps

Life has given others soo many chances to clap

Want to run away from everyone

So that happiness could atleast be seen on the face of someone

Even tears refuse to roll down my cheeks

And people say that I am a gimmick

End is what I pray for now

I am really done with all the wows

4 days of happiness followed by real dark nights

I cant see the bright colors amidst these painful fights

If there is life post death

Then bestow me with that as you are running under huge debts

I am tired of giving fake smile

Inside me sorrows have made a huge pile

I am dead from within

Now even the outer shell is dull and left as a thin film

Please bring the end near

As now I have no FEAR.